“This is it?”

I was exhausted. I walked into my apartment after a long day of multi-tasking. Instead of going straight to sleep, I decided to listen to a podcast. All my recent listens were about “Brand Building” or “How to Master Your Purpose.” After a deep sigh, I thought I’d resort to social media. I scrolled Instagram, only to be greeted with memes. You know the ones - “Trust the process!” “Hustle Harder!“ “The Grind Never Stops!” This has actually been the norm.

It seems like I am constantly accosted by ads for life coaches, business plans, inspirational quotes, credit building, and workout plans. I can’t blame everyone/everything else. I had created a monster - my own philosophy. This inadvertent philosophy became “Progression or Bust!” If I wasn’t working on my progression, then I was wasting my time. If I didn’t stop binge-watching “Steven Universe” or if I stayed “too long” at happy hour, I would end up stagnant and in the same place 5 years from now. There was that itching sensation that something needed to be done. Then came the resentment. I resented other people who didn’t seemingly work as hard, but were having a great time. Most of my social media posts are of me at the office, in court, leaving my classes, or working for my clients. I glorified late nights and hard work. I valued it more than anything else in my life. In this philosophy, leisure had been packaged as something that should be earned. I was terrified. Is manifesting, goal setting, and execution all that my life had become?

The worst moment came when I was driven to tears. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to. All of my dreams had manifested - I had a beautiful apartment, I was working in D.C., I had a fulfilling career, I was closer to financial stability than I had ever been, and in the height of all of this was the haunting thought that “Now, I have nothing to look forward to.” (You heard that right. I exhaust myself.)

Honestly, I enjoyed the “Girl Boss! Go Girl! Get More!” culture, especially when I was in school and trying to land a job. But then, it got to be too much. I found myself feeling guilty for a having a day on the couch. I would look at television shows (admittedly reality shows) where women were also lounging and having a casual moment, and I felt guilty. “I should probably brush my hair like that, too! I’m sure I have some cuter clothes I could put on. Why ARE you comfortable sitting around like this? There’s that email you never sent!” I felt guilty for not accomplishing self-care! (I don’t have the time to go into the new market of self-care). I realize now that I have to build a new philosophy. One that focuses on the John 10:10 lifestyle: “…I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”

The dangerous part about this new culture of productivity is that there is little room left to enjoy what is current. There’s nothing wrong with becoming a better person. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow and mobilize, but there has to be more to life than productivity. What about right now? The meantime? Life is to be enjoyed. Staying in the present is a discipline. Like with most things, building my new philosophy will be about striking a balance. This will require more than a social media cleanse. It will require me to fight the temptation to leave the present. It will require me to realize my blessings, to be content in what I currently have before seeking to achieve more, and it will also require that I change my priorities. A philosophy that is centered around enjoying the abundant life that I already have.